Life Spoke

I've been giving my fundraising flyers out to pretty much anyone who knows my name. At work, several people have been very generous. Nearly everyone in the office is excited for me and there are lots of questions about my preparations and fundraising strategies. At a meeting of the minds one afternoon (ie, around the water cooler) our conversation was overheard by a guy I didn't know very well but whom I'd given a flyer anyway.
It seems he had decided that in no case was he going to contribute to the fundraiser, which is perfectly fine of course. I guess he just wanted to let me know about it when everyone else was there, which is also fine. Then things got weird and his tone changed to accusatory, "Why are you doing this cross country bike ride when you could do a fundraiser and never leave town?" Followed by, "It just seems like you found an excuse to take a trip without having to pay for it."
Have you ever been so flabbergasted at an accusation that your mind went blank to the point of reboot? It takes a few minutes for your desktop to come back up. By that point we had all dispersed to our cubes and our cars. The discussion was over for the day.
How could someone doubt my motivations? Am I not transparent enough? Does this person see some truth that others don't? Doubt and insecurity rolled down my back like cold rain drops. The internal dialog, "Yeah Drew, why you do dis?" It would be so much easier to do a massive fundraiser without having to train for a six week bike ride at the same time. I wouldn't have to worry about time off from work, lost income, missing my wife. No future anxiety about loneliness on the road or frustration from breakdowns. I could spend more time working in my grandfather's garden and hanging with him. I could do more carpentry side jobs. Maybe even buy some new tools with the money I will have spent feeding my way across the country.
Is it about raising funds for a cause or doing a bike ride?

The answer is staring me in the face, it's about both. I originally started planning the bike ride in honor of my grandmother and my best friend Brian. That's how this whole effort got started. In Brian's case I felt I needed to do something to honor the way he lived his life and the way he helped me understand mine; bare bones and impossible. In my grandmother's case, I felt I needed traveling and physically testing my will. Riding cross country with no help seems impossible at face value (enter Brian's influence). But broken into segments, series of days and daily goals it turns into a test of will marked by miles and town names (Grandma).
Then there is Dan Harrington who's dying of bone marrow cancer. I wanted to let him know that this ride is also for him. My wife's family to let them know that this ride is for their grandmother. My mom's family to let them know it's about our other grandmother and my great-grandfather. I started adding up the names and it became glaringly clear that everyone I've ever cared about who has or will pass away has been taken by cancer.
I want to scream to everyone that I care about these people and am deeply affected by their passing. That's why I'm doing a fundraiser. It's not a way to do a bike ride without having to pay for it. It's not even an excuse to go on a bike ride. I could and would have done this ride without putting the pressure on myself to raise money for the American Cancer Society. I could have set a fundraising goal of $1000. But I didn't, I chose to do this as a huge fundraiser because that's the voice I want right now. Big, loud and compassionate. I care about you all and I'm not sitting around town with a sock in my mouth.
The doubt I felt had scattered my motivation. It's good to question yourself, question your intentions in matters like this. When the motivation comes back to center its dense and powerful as mine is now.
Thanks to everyone who's been donating: Jon Thompson is a good friend from work. Keith and Jolyn Green are Jon's sister and brother-in-law; their daughter Megan had cancer and recently survived. Stephen and Emily Terrell are good friends of my wife and me. Of course, "Mom" is my mom, Laurie. Amy Lancaster is a very close old friend of mine. And of course, Dan Harrington is the dude who says what he means and does what he knows is right. Thank you all for your support!
I hope you continue to read this blog every week. Send me a message if you have questions or want to comment on the stuff I ramble about.

-Drew

# posted by Andrew Bascue @ 8:45 PM